WITT Wit is educated insolence. - Aristotle

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p ? Atlanta Blogs # n

WISDOM

Great wisdom may resemble foolishness - Chinese Proverb

WISE

"You have to be prepared for the possibility that God does not like you."
- Tyler Durden. Fight Club
"We all end up dead; it's just a question of how and why"
- William Wallace. Braveheart.

"You're not a guy. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't just be a guy."
- Corey. Say Anything.

"If you've ever thought you loved a girl, you loved her. That's all love is, mostly...thoughts."
- Gardner Barnes. Fandango.

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
- Harry. When Harry Met Sally.

"The body cannot live without the mind"
- Morpheus. The Matrix.

"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise."
- Jack. Fight Club.

Genius

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Review Witt and Wisdom



06 October 2003

The End

What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

- Kurt Cobain

Much has happened in the World of Witt.

Took a vacation.

Made my own sushi.

Lost daytime internet access for a week.

Got absolutely blackout drunk at a wine show.

Found out some news about my job.

Wrote some.

Pondered some.

And the result of all of these revelations is that I am officially calling an end to this blog.

Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?

Well, never fear. I would never hurt you like that.

Cuz, ya see, I’ve been doing something else for the past few weeks, too.

Come take a look.

www.wittandwisdom.com

/cw
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22 September 2003

Hiatus

I'm taking some time away from the blog.

Just thought I should let ya know.

You'll live.

/cw
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17 September 2003

Human Nature

I don't want to see people hurt or lives ruined. Just to be clear.

But deep down, when I hear that a hurricane has been downgraded from a Category 5, I'm a little sad. There is some little nagging thought within me that wants to see the devastation and power and force of nature. I want to imagine forty foot walls of water and spinning, lunging winds slamming into one another. I want unbridled fury and raw, unstoppable power.

I bet you do too. Just a little.

/cw
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16 September 2003

Huh?

Um, yeah. I forgot to mention that I'm taking vacation this week. I may write occasionally, but for the most part I am simply vacatifying.

BUT! You deserve answers to your questions. So here goes:

How do I get the cute, nice, married Mormon girl in our office to loosen up? She was a raging partier before the religious brainwashing hit, and everyone can tell that her inner tiger is just in hibernation. I'm not necessarily advocating that she commit infidelity--it would be fine if she just did a topless dance on her desk, or something. - Greg

The easiest way to get someone to loosen up is to model the behavior for her first. Show her that dancing topless on a desk is perfectly acceptable by jumping up there and coating yourself in baby oil while singing "At Last" by Etta James. Then ask her why any accepting religion would keep so many secrets, even from it's own members. Then tell her Steve Young is your favorite quarterback ever. Mormon chicks LOVE that.

Why do men have nipples? - IA

Apparently you don't have any older brothers. God gave men nipples so that their brothers can give them Super-Nuclear Titty Twisters the entire time they are growing up. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Just ask the Mormons.

I am broke. It's pathetic. I want to sell off some old stuff on eBay to make extra dough. My mom has offered me some of her antique jewelry and stuff to sell (because she's not attached to it) to raise money, but I feel bad pawning off these things, since they were special things that her grandparents gave her.

Should I sell the stuff? Where do I draw the line for sentimental value?
- Mia

Sentimentality is a strong force, but if you are certain that the items mean nothing to your mom and they actually mean nothing to you (except for the guilt they invoke), then sentimental items can often look a lot like junk upon objective viewing. For what ends are you going to be using this money? Is the money likely to be substantial? Is it going to pay the rent? Can you literally not eat? Is your credit card debt so overwhelming that you feel like you'll never get out from under it? Can the effects of the money you will make overcome the guilt you will feel in never seeing it again?

Personally, I think your long gone relatives would rather see you have a place to live and food to eat than hold on to trinkets. However, try to examine the rest of your finances and make some hard decisions about your spending.

Will I always be this miserable? - pseudonymph

No. You have to live your life as a series of happy, exciting, enriching events that are occasionally interupted by difficult times. My primary philosophy is that we cannot appreciate our happiness without occasional hardship. Try not to dwell on the depressing aspects around you. Absorb the laughter and happiness that you see. Distance yourself from negative influences. Ask yourself every night if you have any regrets. Eliminate them.

Jesus, this just turned into a Chicken Soup For The Clinically Depressed book all of the sudden.

How do I cope with several of my favorite blogs suddenly going offline for good? I know the authors are out there living their lives and just not writing about them, but I still feel the need to send someone a funeral spray. What should I do to cope? How long can I keep their sites bookmarked before I become a truly scary and obsessive person? - Lisa

You mean you read blogs other than mine? Blog whore.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Odds are, you are already a truly scary and obsessive person, so learn to embrace it! As you are reading blogs from this point forward, lick your computer screen and whisper "My precious". And stop reading blogs other than mine. I don't want to contract blogital warts.

I had a 68 Nova with a 3-speed manual transmission. The shifter knob was solid brushed stainless steel that ... well, was satisfyingly solid to the touch.

Never mind. I'm calling my wife to pick her up early. She'll be able to handle the question of the shifter knob.
- Billy

So I've heard.

Will I ever get past my hestoooldtodateme phobia and want to date Cute Southern Transplant? How? He's out of town now so I have until Monday-ish to figure out what to do with him.

...and don't be too brutally honest with me. Try to keep it light and funny--since I usually read at work. We would rather have me burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter as opposed to having uncontrollable eye leakage.
- Queen Goddess

I may be a little late for this one. Anyway, prepare thineself for some brutal honesty: Get over yourself. Why do men and women overthink relationships so much? Quit trying to get in the way of your own happiness. Sure, you may get hurt, but that may happen no matter what you do. His age is just your current excuse. If you like him, go get him. It may not be a good idea to see if he'll let you call him "Daddy", however. Insisting on spankings when you've been bad is acceptable, however.

It's a fine line.

Where can I get a $10 cocktail for $3 in San Francisco? - Naaman

Jade
650 Gough St.
San Francisco, CA 94102
415-869-1900

(1) How do I identify the head mafiosi at the San Genarro festival, and (2) how do I convince him that he should let me wet my beak a little? - docks

His name is "Quiet Dom" Cirillo. Ask Frankie about him. Tell him you know me. They'll set you up.

I'm extremely tired of our temp secretary in this office, but I've made the mistake of letting her know about happy hour and now she is there every week, monopolizing conversations and complaining about petty crap. My boss really likes her, though. My question: how do I dispose of the body? - dan

Lye and an old sleeping bag. Again, ask Frankie for details. Tell him you know me. He'll hook you up.

Why didn't my cake rise? I followed the recipe to the letter... - dayment

Try talking dirty to the "cake".

How come, when I'm having sex with my girlfriend, instead of screaming out my name in joy during orgasm she actually recites the first four lines of the Declaration of Independence?

More importantly, however, how do I stop giggling when she says ".. that all Men are created equal and they are endowed by their Creator..." ?

Please help oh wise sage.
Confuzzled When Cu...in Chicago

leo

That is strange, because she sings God Bless America when she climaxes with me. Maybe try having her bite a pillow.

Why do you think you give good advice? :) - KDunk

Sexy people always give good advice.

How much do you think it's appropriate to charge someone to punch me in the face and tell me to get my fucking shit together? - EV

Nothing. I'll do it for free.

*****

Okay people. I'll write sporadically this week. Take care of yourselves. And each other.

/cw
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12 September 2003

Don't Cost Nothin'

If there is one thing I am willing to share with you (other than my rugged good looks and ribald sense of humor), it is my rock-solid goddamned advice. So, as a semi-regular component of this blog, I shall answer your questions on life, love and '71 Chevy Nova transmissions.

Clearly, your life is a raging shit-fest. You know it. I know it. Don't try to act like you don't need my advice. I mean, look at you. That haircut looks like rabid squirrels attacked your head while you slept. That shirt has stains on it that I don't even want to know about. Your pants are in danger of getting eaten by your ass. You haven't had a decent lay since, um, ever. Your job is about as much fun as a bikini wax with pliers.

Face facts. You. Need. Me.

So email me your questions (CW, below) or leave them in the comments. Be prepared for harshness. You need a good talking to and I'm just the arrogant prick to do it.

Go.

/cw
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11 September 2003

I was in my office on New York Avenue in downtown Washington D.C.

I didn't know how to feel then and I don't know how to feel now.

Empty is all.

/cw
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10 September 2003

Kid 'N Play

Thank God someone has finally made it acceptable to start suing children, because I have a whole list of offenses for which I want to be generously compensated.

Crying during movies: $500 first offense, $1,000 for the second; castration of father and "corking" of the mother
Crying at the grocery store or mall: $1,000 first offense, $3,000 for the second; child must sit and watch Barney being beaten to death by SpongeBob
Crying in my presence at any time: Duct tape, $50.
Mockingly repeating what I say: $2,500 first offense, $5,500 second offense; duct taped shut for a week
Wearing baseball hat in any direction other than forward: $5,000 first offense, two weeks in jail for the second; child gets three line drives to the crotch and/or head for every degree from center the hat faces
Disobeying: $5,000, electronic zapper attachment that applies 1,000 volts whenever child attempts to disobey again
Lying: $6,000, zapper and no TV or games for a year

There's more, but I have to go and download the new Metallica cd now.

/cw
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09 September 2003

PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?!

More interview questions from a fellow blogger today. I do this to prepare myself for my inevitable fame and fortune wherein I will eventually break down to Barbara Walters in a tearful admission of my stint in drug rehab after a crazed, naked, coke-fueled hotel room temper tantrum in which three transvestite hookers sustain concussions. Man, I can't wait to be famous.

Today, the questions come from the lovely s00ka, over at TangerineStarBuggy. She and I have a lot in common, as I was once a sexy Asian girl and she used to be a stupid white farmboy. It's all very Freaky Friday, really.

Anyway, go visit her. Love her. Talk to her. Send her erotic photos of yourself.

Here goes:

1. If you were able to wipe out one disease throughout the world, which would it be? (stupidity doesn't count in this case)
Too bad stupidity is off limits here, because that seems to plague most of the people that I run into on a daily basis.

This is actually a fairly tricky question. Much of the world is overpopulated as it is and like it or not, disease is keeping things somewhat in check. So rather than choose cancer or AIDS, I think I'll go for addicition.

Addiction is a disease that causes a lot of pain in people's lives. I would like to see a cure to addiction to alcohol, drugs, food, smoking and everything else. I think there would extensive, radiating ramifications that would improve life for a great many people.

2. How do you eat your Oreo®?
Only communist pedophile murderers don't dip their Oreos in milk. Also, Nabisco needs to go ahead and give up on the "single" Oreo concept; Double Stuff Oreo technology has made it obsolete.

3. What one flaw, physical or characteristic, do you wish would change?
The obvious answer, of course, is that I would try to tone down my sexiness. But that is an impossible undertaking.

I wish I had a better memory. I've learned a lot of cool shit in my life, but I can only remember about .00003% of it. Slightly more if I'm drunk.

Wait...what was the question again?

4. If Jennifer Garner happened to be one of those completely stupid asshats that send you into an apoplectic fit, would you still covet her?
Why would you try to hurt me like this?

While I'm sure that Jennifer is completely witty, intelligent and charming, I will have to say that I could not covet her if I found her to be a totally vapid twat. I have never been able to stomach a beautiful moron for very long.

But I'd still try to have sex with her.

5. Does your wife know that she married a total pussy?
I'm not a total pussy. But yes, she knows.

She also knows that there are about ten million women out there who pray on a regular basis to find a man who is even half as funny, kind, sexy, smart and humble as me.

/cw
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08 September 2003

Weekend Wedding

Just got out of a weekend filled with an appreciation of the things that I love most. Football. Family. My wife. Friends. Big screen TV. Not necessarily in that order.

We went to a lovely wedding on Saturday night brimming with tearful vows followed by a reception overflowing with drunken revelry. Nothing mixes quite so fluidly as liquor and love. Everyone had a good time; it's always fun to see your friends decked out in their Sunday best.

Weddings mean different things to different people. For the bride and groom, of course, a wedding is a show of committment to a relationship that they want to hold forever. For the attendees, it is often a reminder of the promise of love or of the love that they currently feel. I am not religious, but I do enjoy much of what a wedding represents. There are very few times in life when one stands in front of family and friends and commits to love and loyalty and trust. There is something very powerful about it. But I've always been a bit of a romantic sap.

And although I sat in an easy chair for the better part of eight hours yesterday watching NFL opening day on my big screen TV with some friends and family, I was just kidding about not knowing which of them I love the most.

Without a doubt, it's her.

Remember that picture next time you call me whipped.

/cw
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05 September 2003

A Marketing Lovestory

I just noticed that my contact solution states prominently on the bottle in red:
Now With Advanced Dryness Protection!

I cannot express how happy I am to hear that the fine folks at Bausch and Lomb have devised a way to make water wet. I don't know how long their scientists were holed up in a laboratory, but please join me in thanking them for their tireless diligence.

God bless you, fine people, The Nobel Prize is surely yours.

Inspired by this, I have decided to try my hand at writing one of the greatest marketing love stories ever told. Enjoy.

*****

When Frankie gazed blankly at himself in the bathroom mirror, he realized that the eyes staring back at him reflected a lonely but hopeful man. The image was so much clearer since he had started using Windex™ Advanced Cleanser with Soul Searching™ action. It was like he could reach out and touch himself. And so he did.

This dinner with Susan meant so much to him. Too much, perhaps. He had stolen his glances from afar. He had overheard that delicate, lilting voice on her new Nokia™ 9300 Hands-Free Mobile with Stalker Talk™. He had seen the random sunbeam hit her Clairol™ highlighted hair, igniting it in radiant Blonde Pearlescent Passion™.

He only hoped he could contain his nervous energy and allow her to see the man that he could be. There is a fine line between trying too hard and being too casual. He would carefully walk that line tonight, yet confidently, in Steve Madden's™ First-Date Sweep-Her-Away Slip-Ons™. They are neither too hard nor too casual. Perfect for every occasion!®

And yet, even with his positive outlook, the mirror still stared back at him skeptically. It saw his "just-so" tossled hair, held in place with Dep's™ Stud Slick™. It saw his tightly smooth features, cleanly shaven by Gillette's™ Permaglide BabyButt Blades™. It glared at his amazingly whitened smile. He could only hope that Susan would see that this smile was the gateway to his sweet, kind nature. The brilliance of his teeth would announce the happy person he is, according to the fine people at Colgate™. He would remember to write a letter of appreciation for transforming his smile into BlindingWhite™ perfection.

In the mirror's reflection, he saw his Sanyo™ Get-The-Fuck-Up-You-Lazy-Piece-Of-Shit™ alarm clock. The time was 6:35. The time was now. His moment had come. Tonight he would meet his destiny. It was an Old Spice Night®.

He threw on his Geoffrey Beene™ Hide My Man Tits™ Sheer Sucker Silk™ shirt and Docker's™ with Dick Enhancers™ and bolted for the front door.

Wait...calm down. Don't rush. There was no need to hurry. He must show Susan that he was confident and in control. Degree™ Pit-Stain Preventor™ would help him, but he also needed to display an inner calm. He knew that this could not be faked. It must be genuine. Xanax™ with Confidex™ would make everything more real.

Ahhh. Now reality was much clearer. And yet, not.

He hopped into his 2002 Chevy Timberfucker™ SUV and made his way to Susan's apartment complex. The radio played, but he couldn't hear the music. He was focused. Thoughts flew by the vision of his mind and he would selectively pluck the good images for further viewing while shunning the potentially negative scenarios that the evening may take. Thank god for Tony Robbins' Stop Living Like A Dumbass™ video series. Frankie now knew how to make this night (and his life!) work for him.

As he pulled into the City Scape™ Urban Blight Apartments™ For People Who Are Alone And Have Too Many Cats® complex, he punched up Susan's number on the Just An Illusion of Security™ keypad and watched as the gates in front of him lifted, allowing his entrance into the night of romance ahead.

He walked up to Susan's apartment and rang the bell. He could tell that she was just beyond the door, waiting the requisite amount of time, so as to not appear too eager.

The door opened and there she stood.

Amazing.

Frankie was struck dumb. Speechless. He could only look at her; could only breathe her in.

Her slinky Dolce and Gabbana™ Check Out These Cans™ dress and Manolo Blahnik™
You Absolutely Cannot Afford These Heels™ heels made her into a perfectly hewn piece of marble that he couldn't stop admiring.

She laughed.

"You look incredible. Absolute perfection. I mean...amazing. I've never seen...I'm sorry to ramble...should we go?" he asked in his best casual voice.

"No, you can feel free to Ramble On©," she giggled, remembering her new Led Zeppelin DVD that's available at Target™ stores everywhere for the low, low price of $19.98, "it's nice to hear that you like what you see. God knows it took me a while to look like this!"

They laughed. It was a laugh of friends and of lovers. They looked at one another awkwardly, realizing their nervous laughter. Then they laughed more.

As Frankie walked to the passenger door to hold it open for Susan, he saw her eyes spark.

"Oooo, is this the Rock Raper™ or the Timberfucker™?" she asked coyly.

"I went all out and got the Timberfucker™. I felt like I owed it to myself®," Frankie replied.

"That's fantastic," she cooed.

And they were off to the restaurant.

When they arrived at Italiano's™ House Of Overpriced Noodles and Watered Down Sauce®, Frankie ordered Smirnoff™ Vomiting Bum Vodka™ martinis for both of them, in an effort to smooth the transition into small talk.

They talked more than they ate and laughed more than either could've hoped. They were falling in love.

After dinner, Susan excused herself. She said she needed to go freshen up and reapply her Revlon™ Streetwalker Red™ lipstick with Cock Smootheners™.

Frankie took this as a good sign.

After dinner, Frankie and Susan took a lakeside walk. Calm and suave Frankie was gone now. He was in love and he had to tell her.

"Susan, I know that it's too soon, but sometimes I feel things that I can't hold inside. Sometimes I think that if I don't say what I feel right now, the moment and feeling might be gone forever. So here goes..." he breathed.

Susan looked at him, hopeful that he would say what she was dreaming. She felt the feelings too. She couldn't deny what was in front of them. Didn't want to. This was all so beautifully real. Tears pushed the edges of her eyes, but she wasn't concerned because she had applied Max Factor's™ Stop Your Crying You Stupid Bitch™ mascara with Drynow Protection™.

Frankie looked into Susan's eyes and lost himself for a moment in the Bausch and Lomb™ beauty of the new Fakeblue™ technology. He exhaled.

"Susan, I want to be with you forever. I want to be the man you've always wanted. I love you. More than I love the sky at dawn. More than I love the ocean at midnight. More than I love my Sony™ Insanely Gynormous TV™ with ErectionTech® remote. I will love you always," Frankie whispered.

"Take me now!" were the last words Frankie remembered hearing when he woke up the next morning sprawled sideways on Susan's bed. She had left to make them breakfast and he was left to bask in the still warm bed. He looked at the spent Trojan™ Wrap-Up-That-Gnarled-Wang-Cuz-God-Only-Knows-Who-She's-Been-Fucking™ condom with Baby-B-Gone® lubricant and he smiled.

He knew that lust was for but a night, but their love was eternal.

/cw
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04 September 2003

Full Court Press

I am temporarily revoking my vow at a happier demeanor. I mean, seriously, none of us believed it was gonna last anyway, right?

I would like to send out an open letter to the press. So I will. Cuz it's my blog and I do what I want. (snaps)

Dear The Press -

Please know that I speak for the entire population of the world when I ask you to kindly shut the fuck up. Until further notice, please make a note that we do not want to hear anything more about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, either in their singular or coupled form. Leave them alone. Leave us alone. Die. Faster.

And also, when any couple (celebrity or otherwise) starts dating, please be clear: NOBODY CARES. Odds are, the celebrities are only dating each other in some sort of transparent attempt to promote some unbelievably shitty movie, tv show or book that cannot stand on its own merits. Anyway, it only serves to remind us that we never got to fuck a celebrity. Nobody likes to be reminded of that.

And also-also, when any couple (celebrity or otherwise) gets divorced, we don't wanna know. Someone cheating on someone else or getting sick of someone else or getting tired of a pretend marriage isn't really noteworthy. It's just sad and pathetic and personal and none of our goddamned business. Next time the brilliant idea to do a story about a celebrity divorce hits you, beat the idea back into your palsied head with your keyboard. Repeat until unconscious.

That is all.

For Now.

/cw
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03 September 2003

Nunayerbiznes

I'm tired today. Too tired to write. I'll try to work on somethin' purty for the end of the week.

Later.

/cw
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02 September 2003

The Mind Of A Genius

In a blatant attempt at mutual blog pimpage, Gimmy has asked to interview me. She practically begged, frankly. It was ugly.

Anyway, I had my people call her people and arrange a sitdown interview at the Four Seasons downtown. My only demands were that she provide a pewter tray of M&M's (NO GREEN!) and all questions about J-Lo are off limits.

The interview went well. For some reason, she asked that I do the interview without my pants on. Fortunately, I already had them off. But I digress. Go visit her. She's good people and talented in a number of ways.

Prepare to delve into the mind of greatness; if you feel woozy, look away:

1. If you could be a woman for a day, what would you do?

This one is obvious, of course: Hardcore Lesbian Action.

Doy.

2. Pick five songs that best represent the life you’ve lived thus far.

This is a bit tougher. These are all songs that I like and also just happen to represent my life:
Outshined - Soundgarden There is no better way of saying it. When I was growing up, I always felt outshined. Key lyrics - I just looked in the mirror/Things aren't looking so good/I'm looking California/And feeling Minnesota.
Hard To Handle - Black Crowes Love the Black Crowes. This song is summery and free. I could've said these exact words to my wife on the night we met: Action speaks louder than words/And I’m a man of great experience/I know you’ve got another man/But I can love you better than him.
Black - Pearl Jam Certainly a dark song; it encapsulates the pain that every guy feels in his most pathetic and vulnerable moments. I've had my share of those. Key lyrics - I know someday you'll have a beautiful life/I know you'll be a star/In somebody else's sky/But why/Why/Why can't it be/Why can't it be mine.
The Way It Is - Tesla Okay, this is one is odd. The reasons are many and varied. And no, I'm not sharing them with you. Key lyrics - Even though we could never seem to work things out/I still love you just the same/I miss your smile and that sparkle in your eye/You're so beautiful, never change.
Why Georgia - John Mayer Makes happy about where I am. It makes me live in the moment. Key lyrics - Everybody is just a stranger but/That's the danger in going my own way/I guess it's the price I have to pay.

Man, that was really hard.

3. Imagine that starting right now nobody will find you the least bit funny ever again. How will you distinguish yourself?

Well, you've pegged me here. I guess it's pretty obvious that I identify strongly with being funny. It's a huge part of who I am. I love to make people laugh and shoot liquids from their noses.

I suppose I would try to distinguish myself through writing. I like to explore emotions in writing that are too difficult to talk about.

4. Name your favorite comfort foods.

I am on an ice cream kick right now. Can't. Stop. Eating. It. Also, I love good ravioli. And perfectly prepared steak. I love to cook almost as much as I enjoy eating. I make a really good Italian Chili that is an excellent comfort food.

5. Describe a technological innovation you hope will be commonplace in 30 years.

An Instantaneous Personal Human Transporter. I would love to get from Point A to Point B within seconds. Can you imagine a world without airlines, traffic jams or waiting to see loved ones? I would love to experience this in my lifetime.

*****

So that concludes the interview portion of our program. Time now for the eveningwear segment. My tits look great in this gown.

/cw
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28 August 2003

The Test

Following is a test for all single men. Many of you are not fit to be dating and it's time that someone told you.

If you answer in the affirmative to three or more of the following questions, you fail. If you don't know what it means to "answer in the affirmative", you fail. If you drool on your keyboard while reading this, you fail. If you are surfing for porn at the same time as you take the test, you fail. If you are touching yourself right now, you fail. As previously discussed, the penalty for failure is jumping naked from a speeding bus once a week until cured. Believe me, it's better than you deserve.

You have five minutes to complete the test. You may not understand how the statements are relevant to dating women, but it's not really for you to understand. Just trust me. I am much, much smarter than you. If you were so smart, you'd be getting laid by much prettier people right now.
Please use a #2 pencil.

1. I like a smart girl, but not as smart as me. And she also has to have a tight ass, if you know what I'm sayin'.
2. Dude, women love my long, flowing, blonde hair that I sometimes put in a ponytail.
3. No, seriously, dude.
4. I think the best first dates take place at events that end with the word "Rally" or "Pull".
5. Women melt when I wink and point at them.
6. I think it's only fair to go "Dutch" until I'm sure I'm gonna get laid.
7. All chicks are feminists, so I let them open the door for themselves.
8. Being tan is more important than what kind of shoes I have.
9. When I see a group of girls out at a club, I'm pretty sure they want me to come over and annoy the shit out of them.
10. Pinching or slapping a girl's ass is a good way to start up a conversation.
11. You can never go wrong with a nice sleeveless t-shirt.
12. And also mesh.
13. Women love it when I get their phone number and then go back and high-five my boys while yelling, "SCORE!". It shows them that I'm excited.
14. If I buy a girl a drink, she better put out. What am I, made of money?
15. Bitches in tight, spaghetti-strapped tops are so asking for it, man.
16. White or black, women love it when I talk like I'm from Compton, yo.
17. If some bitch doesn't understand why Metallica rules, then she doesn't understand music, man.
18. I think wearing my baseball cap backwards gets women horny.
19. I stay away from fat chicks, because even though I'm 30 pounds overweight, I carry it well.
20. I've hit on really hot chicks because I've heard that sometimes guys are too intimidated to talk to them. Not me!
21. Most of my clothes can be worn four or five times before I need to wash them.
22. I don't need to learn how to cook - that's woman's work.
23. I think women are okay with it if I tell them that they have awesome tits. Also, if things are going well, I'll sometimes add that I'd like to bury my face in them.
24. When I first start talking to a girl and she acts like she's not really interested, I'm experienced enough to know that it's all part of the sexy conversational tango that will eventually get me laid, so I keep bothering her.
25. Girls find it quite charming when I refer to them as Baby, Sweet Cheeks, Sugar Tits, Mama, Fine Mama, Pretty Mama, Tasty Lips, Hey You, Hey!Yo!, Whad-Up Gurrl or simply DAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY-UM.
26. There is no finer compliment I can give to a girl than telling her I want to eat breakfast off of her ass.
27. I don't like to use "pick-up lines" (air quotes) with girls. Usually, I just say something like, "Baby, are you wearing chrome jeans? Cuz I swear I can see myself in your pants!"
28. In my initial conversation at a bar, I like to refer to my penis by a first, middle and last name. Possibly with a Jr. at the end. Women think it's cute.
29. Fuck that girl's friends, they don't even know me.
30. The best second date for me is usually an Adam Sandler or Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. As long as it has tits in it or something, ya know.
31. My hobbies include: Hanging out with my boys, playing X-Box, getting laid, sleeping, drinking and backyard wrestling.
32. Why should I clean up my crib when the shit is just gonna get dirty again.
33. All women want is to break a guy down and change him. Ain't no woman gonna change me.
34. I hate homos.
35. Women like to be ignored; it makes me a challenge for them.
36. A woman has to understand that I might cheat on her if something unbelievable comes my way. It's just the nature of man.
37. I'll tell any girl that I love her if it gets me laid.
38. If I find out a girl's mom is fat or ugly, I dump her ass.
39. I want a girl that will shut up when I tell her to shut up.
40. Good girls are a dime a dozen.

Hell, what was I thinking with three affirmatives? If you answered even one of these in a positive fashion, go here.

/cw
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Witt and Wisdom